[mania]
Invincible. Unstoppable. Effervescent. How do I describe it? Impetuous. Overwhelming. Out of control. I’m on top of the damn world. Truly, completely, whole heartedly ineffable. Just words. Constant words. No, scratch that. Emotions. Constant emotions. Zeal. Confidence. Tenacity. Temerity. Agitation. Anger. Helplessness. Constant emotions. More and more and more and more. I can’t fit anymore. Seemingly without reason. Senseless emotions. Constant. You can handle it this time. You can. No, you can’t. Boiling. Boiling over. Where the hell is the simmer switch?! Evolving into sensations. I can feel it. Actually physically feel it. It feels…good. Wonderful. I’m alive. Cognizant. I should… I should go on a crusade! I should start a business! I should go to grad school, and get 3 degrees! I should backpack across the world! I should live! Why aren’t I living? I can do anything. I am going to do everything. I am invincible. No. You’re not. Stop. I hate it. Stop. Too much. Overload. Every fiber of my being is activated. Energized. Stimulated. Concurrently. Every molecule. Every cell. Every nerve. Every particle. Be still. Just this once. I want to rest. Not sleep. Rest.
I wish my mind knew how to decipher the difference between ideation and rationale. Between confidence and audacity. Between true happiness and mere satisfaction. Between reality and fiction. Between… anything. I wish it all made sense.
I’m going to be 23 in 2 weeks
Well crap. I’m not feeling this whole “growing up” thing. I guess if there’s one thing you absolutely can’t stop, no matter what, it’s time. Well, maybe one day we’ll beat it with time travel and shit. Doubtful.
Right, so that’s not what I wanted to write about. I kind of went on a premature tangent :-P. I went to Florida State this weekend for their graduate school open house and it was amazing. Everything I could have hoped for and more! Literally everyone was awesome and helpful and passionate and genuinely interested in the fact that I was interested in the school. They weren’t cocky and artificial. I think they’re exactly what I’m looking for! I’m so excited, you have no idea.
Current life goals: I’m extremely interested in their joint degree program with the Public Administration school because they have an emergency management program. So I would have 2 masters: Urban and Regional Planning and Public Administration. I think the emergency management thing fits me perfectly. I can plan disaster preparedness, recovery, and mitigation tactics for cities. So like if a hurricane hits the coast or another terrorist attack happens, I can tell people what to do when, where, and how. Badass, right? I need to figure out a “specialization” for the Urban Planning degree, though. I’m bouncing back and forth between land use and environmental planning. Not sure which one would be better. I guess I have time to figure it out!
:-)
Rutgers!
Wow. So I can add Rutgers to my list of accepted schools. It’s the #3 urban planning school in the nation. And I must admit, I have no idea how I got in. My tests scores were subpar, I didn’t really try to make contact with them before I applied, I have very little experience, and my personal statement had 3 typos in it. I guess I REALLY impressed them on paper despite everything.
FSU and Rutgers are both really great schools, but I think right now I want to base my decision on whoever offers me the most money.
Still waiting on Virginia Tech. Eek!
Future
Oh man. Am I actually about to write an entry about my future as opposed submerging my brain in insatiable nostalgia? Does this mean I’m growing up? (No.)
So I got admitted to Florida State last Wednesday :-). I was ecstatic. I got the email while I was at my internship and I literally almost passed out. I called my mom 3 times, no answer. Called my dad 3 times, he answered once on accident clearly during one of his meetings. Ended up telling Sarj the good news first. I celebrated with dinner at Harper’s that night with Ms. Lane.
It’s been a long time coming to say the least. I had been corresponding with them since last September and I went down to visit last October. I really liked the campus. And Tallahassee. And the faculty. I guess they liked me to because they made a decision on my application within 10 days after I submitted it. They want my decision by the 18th of this month (So exactly 2 weeks from now).
Though they were definitely my first choice, I still want to hear back from Rutgers, who should send me my decision within the next week, and Virginia Tech. I’m more interested in hearing back from VT. I applied to their campus in Alexandria, which is across the river from DC, and I completely fell in love with that area during my tenure at PBS last summer. They also have a non-profit management concentration which really blows my skirt up.
But who am I kidding? The more I stop and think about it, the more attracted I am to FSU and Florida. It’s warmer. Less crowded. Cheaper. Nature-y. They already know me personally. And, damnit, they know what “sweet tea” is down there! Oh, yeah, and I can get in-state tuition. It all seems pretty clear to me though, if you know me at all, I continually change my mind and second guess myself. Maybe I’ll just ride the wave for once.
New things to try [edited: 2/18 - 7:01pm]
I said I’d make this list. So, here we go :-) :
- Write a poem.
- Make curry.
- Learn how to make one alcoholic drink perfectly.
- Taste a new cuisine.
- Perform at an open mic night.
- Watch an award-winning film.
- Volunteer locally.
- Write someone a letter.
- Send a postcard into Post Secret.
- Fly an airplane.
- Start a vegetable garden.
- Learn how to do push-ups properly.
- Mentos and Diet Coke.
- Make the waiter choose your entire meal (and still tip!).
- Test drive a fancy car.
- Take more 35mm photos!
- Enter a contest.
- Stay off the internet for an entire week (beside email).
- Drive somewhere unplanned. Just go.
- Hop on a freight train to see where it goes (@Sara Lane? :P).
- Throw a themed party.
- Learn how to dance. Ballroom. Salsa. Hip hop. Anything.
- Start that damn novel.
- Go ghost hunting.
- Learn how to do adult stuff like taxes
- Buy a shit ton of fireworks. Drive somewhere remote. Blare music. Enjoy :-)
Desires
I want to go places. Anywhere. Places I’ve never been before. Even if they end up completely sucking, I still want to go. Because then I can say “I did that. I experienced something that I’ve never done before”. I really should make a list of new things to try every single day because I always forget from being too wrapped up in routine. Maybe that will be my new goal.
I want to let loose. Learn how to stop holding things in. I want to live. Feel. Forgo inhibitions and regret. Screw fear. I’m sick of being afraid.
I want to succeed. I want to feel satisfied and accomplished. Not so I can show everyone how amazing I am. But just for me. To know that I put my all into something that is worth something for me. I want to die knowing that I did something.
I want to stay in touch with more people. But more importantly, I want to show them that I care. That they mean something to me. I want to make someone feel special even if no one goes out of their way to make me special (note: that is not the case. Plenty of people make me feel awesome. Thank you.)
I want to inspire people. I want to make sure that they know they can actually do anything they set their mind to. Without even realizing it most of the time, that truly is the philosophy of my life. I believe in that more than anything. If I wanted to be an astronaut, I could be. If I wanted to be a surgeon, I could be. If I wanted to be famous, I could be. I have enough drive to do those things, I just don’t have the desire. I want to pass on all of this passion to other people. I want to make them believe in this philosophy as much as I do.
I want to tell everyone “it will be okay”. Because it will. Please believe me. I’ve been to the bottom and have risen back to the sunlight. I’ve wanted to hurt myself. Kill myself. Give up on myself. But I never did. I want everyone who’s ever felt self conscious and hopeless to understand that you are worth something. Your life has meaning. You just have to give it meaning and believe in yourself.
I want to let go. Not to be confused with letting loose. This is my greatest downfall. I can’t figure out how to live in the present. Or even the future. I’m too consumed by my past. The people who disregard their past completely, however, confuse me. Don’t ignore it. It means something. It made you who you are right now. And more importantly, it should enable you to learn from your mistakes. But don’t get so caught up like I do.
I’m rationally spontaneous
and, man, if that’s not the biggest contradiction in my life, I don’t know what is is.
the words
Having to write about yourself is difficult. Trying to make it flow while staying grammatical and on topic is more difficult. Making others actually believe in what you are saying and trust that the prose is genuine is probably the most difficult.
My problem was always being unable to get stuff out. I can never get my thoughts or my emotions out. I want them to come out. But I don’t know how. In my head, they are spectacular. Beautiful. They zip around with fervent grace as they light up my entire body. Until they become too much. The minute I try to translate this exquisite chaos into comprehensible sentences, they fizzle. They turn into unidentified mush, leaving me unsure at what I was even striving for in the first place. I have yet to master the art of my own brain.
And that’s the most frustrating part. I have so much I want to say and explain while I write these personal statements and letters of intent, but nothing I end up mustering does any justice to the real state of my heart. How can I make them see what I see without coming off as insincere? This is why I can’t write songs. Or poetry. Or be a serious artist of any type. It’s not the fact that they wouldn’t be good enough. It’s because I would never be able to get it out the way that would satisfy my restless mind. It frustrates me more than I can accurately describe.
